*

Everytime I close my eyes, I see your name in shining lights.

xxoo

I saw him yesterday but just a quickie. I can't get the picture of his face out of my mind. It's like abstinence, love abstinence..''I'm caught in a LoveHangover'' lalalalala. I'm standing at a crossroad, and I don't know which path to choose..I still have the dilemma ''go for it'' or ''walk away''..Life is difficult, but on the other hand, no one said it would be easy.

It's like sunshine when you smile and fire on ice when you look at me baby. Like the mild summer breeze on a hot summer day. Like strawberries and whipped cream and the color red of a rose. Like your heart beating with mine, no one can reach out and destroy us, and love is all we need.

As long as I got eyes I'll have a sight for you. xxoo

I hate my life

I hate my dad. I hate my family sometimes. I hate how angry dad is all the time. I hate his voice and I hate how selfish and stupid he is all the time.

He can be all nice around people but at home he talks behind their backs, especially my brothers ex-girlfriend. He always has, even when they were together. He also complains about my brothers friends, my brother, me and my siblings. He talks about my friends and their parents like they were trash. I hate it so much! I hate how jealous he is of everybody and the complains of us not having money. I hate how he complains about my brother not taking responsibility and how disapointed he seems on me and my brother. He isn't over our my other siblings. I know my brother can be a pain in the ass sometimes but I love him.

One of my brothers are ''only'' our half brother. We ''only'' have the same mother. And even if he lived with us and not his dad, my dad don't seem to like him. And my brothers kids, he's always ''mad'' or in a bad mood when he is around them. He isn't like that with his other grandchild. I think it is because she is his ''real'' grandchild and the others aren't. It's so wrong, I hate that he does that.

I honestly take my siblings and my mothers side over my fathers. If my parents ever get a divorce, which I don't think they will, I would take my mothers side in a heartbeat, even though you shouldn't take sides. I feel like this now but I don't know how I would feel when it really happend. Since I'm 17, turning 18 in 10 months, I don't have to live with one of my parents. I hope I feel better when I move to my own place, cause God knows I'm not feeling good here. I'm not happy like I should here at all. America here I come?

Short post

And I was the one who told you to kill me if I didn't update on regular basis. I'm sorry but I've been busy, I swear it's true. So..something happend today..my brothers car broke and god it wasn't funny to be in the same room as dad.. I sat down and did what I always do when it gets hard or when I don't know how to work of the anger, sadness, and stuff like that. I sat down and started to write. I'm gonna post my text here tomorrow, right now I'm so tired so I'm gonna go to sleep. Put on my headset and some music then I'm ready to go.

why oh why

Sometimes I hate how much I love you, but everyday I love you more.
Do you ever feel that way? It's not like you hate hate, and you don't hate the person. You just hate yourself for always falling in love with that one guy you never gonna get. That always happens to me. The wrong guy, always older, way out of my league and so so ''do not enter this area with this person at the same time''. Why does that always happen? I guess I really never gonna find out so.. yeah I don't know..But, god I love you so..

I tried to be chill but you're so hot that I melted

I think I am in love. It's a great feeling isn't it? I love the feeling. I've been in love..5 times, 6 if you count this time, but I have never had a boyfriend. Is it weird to be 17 and never have had a boyfriend? My first real love was, well he was 14 at the time, he is now 20(I was 10 or 11 i think). Makes it feel ages ago! My next crush was 15 at the time, he is now 18(I was 13). Then I didn't have a crush for a long time. But the next crush, he was 20 at the time, still is or has he turned 21? I'm not sure now(I was 16). The next one was also 20, and now he is 21( I was 16). The fifth crush was 16 at the time, now he is 17, turned that 3 months ago(I was 16 then also). And now, oh now.. I'm really in love this time. He is 26, 27 in 5 days, and I am 17. The age doesn't matter, but the fact that he scarcely doesn't like me that way pretty much does. I don't know what to write anymore. I think about him all the time and and I always smile when I see him. My best friend asked me who I liked and I just sat there like a fool. She is my best friend, why couldn't I tell her?! I'm just afraid of what everyone would think. My best friend even talked about him like this( when she told me she thinks I need a boyfriend) ''But.. you can start to like him and maybe you will fall in love with him.'' I'm already in love with him. How do I tell him? I don't know how, and I'm scared. I don't want to make a fool out of myself. I just want someone to love and someone that loves me just as much. How do you tell the boy/man you love that you love him?

BONES

I just thought that I should share some ''personal'' stuff here, since I haven't done that so much. I love the Fox network series Bones. I really really do. I love everything about it, from the humor to the romantic developments between Bones and Booth. And all the characters AND the actors are so lovely, you are all awesome! I watch Bones bloopers on YouTube sometimes and they seem to have so much fun shooting the show. Even when I watch the show on the tv, I always think or say out loud ''That must have been hilarious to shoot! They MUST have laughed there.'' I can't imagine how wonderful it must be to be on the set and see everything live, I envy you who got the chance to do that. Even though I would be super excited to go there, I would be soooo nervous. I would probably hav this goofy smile on my face all the time. Maybe in return, I can get that yummie wonderful charm smile of David Boreanaz then, wouldn't that be lovely? It sure would. David Boreanaz charm smile and Emily Deschanels beautiful smile in return..OH..a girl can dream can't she? But the whole casts smile would be perfect for me to. Imagine the smiles of David Boreanaz, Emily Deschanel, Michaela Conlin, TJ Thyne, Tamara Taylor, Eric Millegan, John Francis Daley, Michael Grant Terry, Ryan Cartwright, Joel Moore, Eugene Byrd, Pej Vahdat and Carla Gallo. OH, imagine that huh! My smile would definitely be from ear to ear. My god, It's almost ridiculaos how much I love Bones.

''You had me from hello and you will have me long after goodbye.''

(One more thing. Here we haven't got to season 6 yet. They just took a season break when there is 3 episodes left. Grrrrr! Lucky me that I have all the season on my computer so that I can watch them over and over and over and over again. I watched them so many times that I have memorized almost all the lines. Told you I loved Bones ;D)

Oops I did it again

Sorry for the lack of updates here but..I've been busy so to say. Actually I haven't..but I just don't know what to write.. B L O G D R O U G H T!! Yeah well.. my life is just the same, it's just ''rolling on the rivee-eer'' lalalalal. Well.. OH! I watched Oprah yesterday and they talked about peoples origin and that many peoples from different cultures has the same ancestors. It was really interesting and it made me think ''What if I have ancestors that's American or even Irish or something.'' As I am myself european I guess I have ancestors from here? I know that, just because I happens to live in Europe doesn't mean that I have ancestors from here, but still, it makes you wonder. I would love to go to USA to that Harvard professor and take that DNA test just to see, were I come from. I really wants to know my origin. I think It would change my life a lot.

As I said about me maybe having ancestors from America..I know that some of my relatives went to America..ages ago and never came back here, so If I don't have ancestors there, I at least have relatives there, I hope. My mums cousin and my second cousin lives in USA so I'm gonna ask grandma for hers and his e-mail address so that I can e-mail them just for fun. I haven't met mums cousin since 2001,2002 or 2003, I'm not sure when it was but it is a long time ago. It would be fun to e-mail them and ask..all sorts of stuff. Next time I see grandma and grandpa, I'm gonna ask about the e-mail addresses. OH I can't wait!